I hate writing sex and everything that leads up to sex. I hate writing kissing the most, closely followed by any other sort of licking, biting, and groping. Closely following that, I hate having to mention the very existence of male genitalia at all even though there are inevitably two sets playing a very important role in the goings-on. It's not that I hate penises, which I do. But I can work around that. It's the fact that there are no good words for them besides "erection". I believe that being direct is the best way to go when you're trying not to come off as totally silly, but honestly the word "penis" is completely useless unless you're trying to sound simultaneously clinical and hilarious. It's just a really lousy word all around, and is thus not even an option. Everything else is either not direct enough ("hardness") or too ridiculous ("member" of what, anyway?).

It's just that... well, if I were going to really go anywhere with the scene I'm working on, I just know that it would devolve into hundreds of words that would be 30% "Harry", 30% "Draco", 30% "erection", and 10% other. Which is really just bad form. Fortunately, I do not have to go anywhere with this scene, because it's just a lead-in to a joke. Which is all sex scenes ever are in my universe. Sex happens, certainly, but if I start to describe it you can bet it's going to end with something really mind-bendingly awful being said for comedic effect. If it weren't for the fact that some jokes are just funnier if they pop up mid-coitus, I would never have my characters even remove their clothes. They would go to the bloody beach in striped wool onesies.

That being said, I want to share something truly terrible with you all. Not because you deserve it; you certainly don't. You've done absolutely nothing wrong to warrant being exposed to this. But the knowledge that other people are suffering reading it as much as I suffered penning it may ease my torment. Just keep in mind that of these 1419 words, not a single one was ever meant to be anything but absolutely horrible.

( A Capitol Night )